


chasing cars

by jjcofeesa



Series: check, please tumblr fics [1]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Canon Jewish Character, Character Study, HoH Holster, Homophobic Language, M/M, hard of hearing character, hebrew written with english letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-27
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2019-08-30 02:19:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16756006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjcofeesa/pseuds/jjcofeesa
Summary: a character study in adam birkholtz.





	chasing cars

**Author's Note:**

> this was written as a birthday gift for onethousandroaches on tumblr before she deactivated :/ warnings for homophobic language and mentions of someone else's anxiety attack
> 
> also this has never been edited and was written a while ago, so my writing is... not as good as it currently is. go easy on past me, they deserve it lmfao

Adam is seven, and he loves the ice.

It’s abundant in New York, especially in January, but he loves how he can glide across it so _easily_. _Well, maybe not so easily,_ he thinks, as his dad has to pick him up off the ground for the fourth time this morning.

It’s a start.

 

 

Adam is nine, and he’s missing class instructions again.

He isn’t day dreaming this time (not this time, he swears!), he swears he’s trying.

But Ms. Smith’s lips are moving and it sounds like she’s talking to him from underwater. It’s fine, he knows how to multiply and divide already anyway, but she’s giving him a look, which means he missed something.

He can trust hockey, though, to take his mind off of what he knows is going to be a long talk after dinner.

Adam is eleven, and Chanukah has just started.

 

 

It’s not his favorite holiday (too secularized) but he does love having his family around the candles.

But this year, the prayers sound like they’re being played through shitty headphones. He wonders nervously if there’s something wrong.

_Maoz tzur yishuati lecha na’eh l’shabeach…._

He sneaks out to skate with his brother that night, and they laugh away his worries on foggy breath.

 

Adam is thirteen, and there’s a new boy in his class.

Adam’s heart feels fluttery all of a sudden, like his brother says his feels around his new girlfriend.

He doesn’t know what it means, but the new boy sees him staring and smiles bashfully, and _yep,_ he might have a crush on the awkward new boy.

He thinks to all of the jokes the team makes. How they go after James because they think he’s gay. How they lay into him, with _you faggot! Ha, James is gay!_ How James’ face twists slightly when they do it.

_What would the team think of this? Better not say anything._

Despite everything he wants to do, he gives the boy a cool nod and goes back to his friends.

 

 

Adam is fifteen, and things are making a little bit more sense.

The doctor gave him his hearing aids, and putting them in feels like he’s just resurfaced from being underwater for years. He answers all of her questions, and is suddenly aware of how _loud_ his voice is. He can hear, sure, but he wants to take them out. They feel weird.

_No one needs to know something is wrong. What if I can’t play?_

The doctor sees his worry, and smiles. _You can still play hockey, Adam. Just be careful._

They’re uncomfortable, sure, but he can wear them and play, and that’s all that matters for now.

Adam is seventeen, and there’s a letter on the counter. For him. One he’s been nervously checking the mail for for the past week and a half.

His hands shake a bit as he flips over the letter from Samwell University and skims over the letter in his hands.

_We are looking forward to seeing you in the fall if you choose to attend-_

He hugs the letter to his chest and smiles.

_Finally,_ he thinks.

 

 

Adam is nineteen, and he finds his new team to be nothing short of strange.

There’s Shitty, who’s never wearing clothes and always talking about _fucking rich, white, cis, straight men taking over the world, brah_ and ignoring the fact that he’s most if not all of those things. He loudly declares that Adam’s new nickname is Holster on the first day of practice, and Adam can get used to that. _Holster._

Then there’s quiet Jack Zimmermann who just looks like he wants to be alone, and Adam understands. If his life was as much of a shitshow as Jack’s had been he would be quiet and broody too. The guy can skate, though, and more than once Adam’s caught Shitty saying what a fine ass he has. (Adam agrees.)

And then there’s Justin.

Holster likes him and his gorgeous cheekbones immediately. Justin, who skates up to him and says _hey, cool hearing aids, my sister’s are the same color_.

_Ransom,_ Shitty deems him.

_Holster and Ransom._

Adam likes the sound of it.

 

 

Adam is twenty, and Ransom’s collapsed under the table again.

Bitty, the new freshman, looks worried. _Is he alright?_

Adam nods. Bitty puts the pie on the counter and looks at Holster. _You can help him,_ his eyes say.

Holster grabs a blanket and passes it to Justin. Then he turns to leave. He knows by now the last thing Justin wants is someone to smother him. Ransom had told him once, that anxiety attacks felt like someone had thrown a lead ball into your stomach and then buried you.

Holster does not want to make his best friend feel worse.

But this time, Justin makes a noise in the back of his throat that tells Holster to stay. They’re both large, so when Adam sits down next to his best friend, it’s somewhat cramped on the floor of the Haus’ tiny kitchen.

But Justin slowly stops shaking, and there’s nowhere Adam would rather be.

 

 

Adam is twenty-one, and he’s not nearly drunk enough for this. Not even close.

But Rans is so _close_ to his face and his pretty eyelashes and killer cheekbones are enough to send Holster over the edge on a normal day.

But when Justin kisses him (softer than any girl Adam’s ever been with) Adam feels like everything is _right_ for once. Like his feet have finally hit the ground.

_This,_ he thinks, _is what heaven is like._

 

Adam is thirty-one, and his alarm is going off.

Justin sighs from the other side of the bed and throws a hand out at it to silence it.

_It’s Saturday,_ he grumbles, _and my birthday._

Right. Justin’s birthday.

Later, when they get out of bed, Holster will take Ransom around their neighborhood. He’ll take him to where they had their first date after they moved in together, and their favorite coffee shop, and the rink that they broke into when they still had no sense. (They still don’t have much.) Their friends will take this time to fill their house.

Adam will propose.

He’s nervous about that, but at least their friends will be there for the aftermath.

_For now,_ Adam thinks, _I’m going to stay right here._ The neighbors’ radio is playing Snow Patrol, and he can hear it through the wall.

_If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?_

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! this was originally posted at 30samwiches.tumblr.com where you can follow me for check, please! related content :)


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